to be in your arms
— your eyes so deeply troubled,
filled with suffering —
self-sacrifice with you is
as natural as dancing

I am very fond of this poem already and I only wrote it a few hours ago. Liz is a naturally talented dancer with real flair, and if I was going to touch on the subject of self-sacrifice, I wanted to find some way to lighten it. I forgot all my dreams last night, but wrote this anyway based on the look in her eyes shortly before we fell asleep. I climaxed to pornography twice earlier this week and physically this means I had little left to give Liz last night. Our lovemaking went OK for a good while but then I lost my erection. It’s not just that my libido was already exhausted, but the whole experience (of the pornography) had somehow lifted me away from feeling totally in tune with Liz. It was clear as we settled back to go to sleep that she was troubled. I confessed my pornography habit to her back in January but she took it so badly I have felt unable to seek support from her for the continuing problem. So everything last night remained unspoken as far as whether she guessed the reason for my impotence. I could see in her eyes that she did. But was astonished to see almost nothing of accusation in them (the accusation that had been very verbal back in January). Along with her own suffering, there was just incredible gentleness, forgiveness and love.


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