words like ownership
and empowerment — words like
laptop — make me wish
with all my heart for a state
of utter destitution

I dreamed my laptop was buried under a pile of other laptops. I felt very attached to MY laptop as I hunted for it. Awake, I realised how much my laptop means to me, both in the abstract (a focus for my sense of ‘ownership’) and practically speaking (e.g. no laptop, no pornography). Ownership and empowerment are supposed to be positive things in the context of mental health. I do go along with that, and yet to another part of me these words sound like drivel. That part of me is sick of my current life, and my job in mental health, and my leisure time spent on emails and iPlayer and blogging and pornography — and believes I was better off spiritually in the eighties and nineties when I had nothing. There’s another part of me again however, thinks literal poverty is no escape. There would still be issues of ownership and empowerment to grapple with even if I had no laptop, even if I had nothing. Even if we lived in a society without money. The disjunct is between my current life and my previous life: I have never reconciled them and still feel like two people.


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