Archive for June, 2014

zero

this word is nothing —
absolutely nil meaning
or significance,
it rattles when you shake it
— this spirituality

Part of me seems to believe this. It was a thought provoked by a dream last night involving the book ‘The Glass Bead Game’ by Herman Hesse. In the dream I felt a strong sense of affirmation that Hesse was ‘spiritual’.

agnostic

my longing — to be
fulfilled and completed by
a personal God —
seems to exist regardless
whether I believe in Him

I watched a trashy new movie last night called ‘Walking On Sunshine’, featuring songs from the eighties. Every single character in the movie longs to be fulfilled and completed by a chosen member of the opposite sex. As I do too in my own life. These longings need no justification, even though it’s doubtful any sex god/goddess actually exists at all except in the imagination. I dreamed last night I was in Israel, where, back in the eighties in real life, I fell deeply in love with a stunningly attractive Israeli girl who had one of those personal relationships with God which I envy so much.

sleepwalker

vital mysteries
— death, birth, sexuality —
I sleepwalk through them
and no wonder — how can I
fathom so much dread and awe?

Tiger cubs pushing out of the uterus, superbly elegant cross-dressing, deadly gladiatorial combat. It was all there in the dream.

menial

I don’t want a hand
in running things — I’d rather
carry out small tasks

The poem begs the question whether I’m really protesting too hard. Is the poem really saying something more like ‘I want to be Prime Minister’? Ambition of one sort or another (spiritual ambition, on the whole, more than material ambition) has been a consistent theme in my life. Even in the years when I seemed to be reconciled to having nothing, living homeless on the street, preferring to do without money — even then I assuaged my own thirst for grandeur by believing I was in telepathic contact with Bill Clinton.

married

together we walk
the same path — without knowing
why, whence or whither

Oddly enough I was being unfaithful in last night’s dream. And oddly enough I am not married, though have been engaged for over ten years.

maverick

you’re just quite simply
not a team player — face it
— so much resentment

I was arguing with a whole team of people involved in trying to put up a tent or monument. I thought it should be sited on the crest of a hill, but someone else had other ideas. I was quite distressed. I had been thinking yesterday about the phrase ‘team player’. I hate the phrase so much, and I don’t really understand why. I recognise teams are good for getting stuff done. Yet ‘team player’ also connotes mindless enthusiasm. The sacrifice of individual responsibility. Sport. War. Competition.

iatrogenic

the doctor’s skilful
fingers investigating
where it hurts — lightly
touching on deep mysteries
— bravely alive to the risk

The role of doctor is incredibly powerful at so many levels. They can fuck up your life, but they are also deserving of our love and respect.